We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
