if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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