Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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