im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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