Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
