Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
