I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
