Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So squirting runs in the family.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
