the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
