If i come over, it means nothing
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
