My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
