I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
