You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
