you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
