I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
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