pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
