i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
