He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He better not be in your backpack
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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