either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
