well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
