the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
