Plan B is the new Plan A
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
