Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
