Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
