I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
me + whiskey = a bad person
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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