i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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