remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
