if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
