Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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