The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
