Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
