I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
