It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
