You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
