i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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