No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
