I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
