when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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