I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
