i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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