she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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