Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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