So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
