Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
