Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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