Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
