Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
