I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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