So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
