Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
