Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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