I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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