Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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